I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
