She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Randomize
