do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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