I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
