It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
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