So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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