I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
