just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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