my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my vag is so smooth its legendary
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
