Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
