seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
