So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
