I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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