Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
