don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And my parents said I crawled through the house
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
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