Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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