I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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