my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
