i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
