Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
