Can i not drive my cunt home
Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
This is my gift to your gina
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Randomize
