when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
