You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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