I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
