Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
