I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
