Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
