i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
