I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
