yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
