just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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