4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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