3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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