May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
