you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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