So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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