wanna go halves on a baby?
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
These tits shall not be calmed
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
