either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
