So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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