I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
