dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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