I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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