Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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