I can tuck mytits in my pants
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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