we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
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