I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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