Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Congratulations! We have a period
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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