I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
