There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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