Having a random hookup so left but love u
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
